The Parenting Rarely Spoken Of...

Over the past year or so, I've noticed that there is a season of parenting that is spoken of in whispers and only in close quarters. It's a season of humility (wait: isn't every parenting season a humbling one?!) and emotional exhaustion. It comes at a time in life when we, as parents, are often in the middle of feeling old and tired already, running around ragged for our children, our aging parents, for each other, and trying to figure out the meaning and purpose of our lives in our 40's (Good job to you if you've got that figured out!)

This time of life goes by the acronym PoYA: Parents of Young Adults.

The Little Years.

When we had infants in our arms, we managed the maintenance stage of keeping these delicate little creatures alive and cared for until they started maneuvering around on their knees and then toddling around, looking for remotes and books to grab and destroy. There were certainly bumps and bruises as they learned about their surroundings with their foreheads and shins. As they grew into their walking capabilities, we helped them learn their ABCs, 123s, and how to make friends.

Elementary school had us figuring out technology for our kids, determining what should and shouldn't be used by their developing hearts and minds. They started figuring out their extracurricular activities and we worked hard (and paid a decent amount) for them to be able to develop their skills that they ended up using for just a few years. Then hormones. We won't speak of the hormones.

As they stepped into their teen and high school years, the future at first seemed so far away and then suddenly it was right in front of our faces. Their choices in friendships and relationships became concerning in this influential stage of their lives. The choices they made in academics and extracurriculars could determine their futures in college and careers. Our little toddlers were toddling towards adulthood.

And then the young adult bloomed.

Here I will tread lightly. I love my young adult. I love the young adults in her life. I am so proud of her. She is smart, determined, beautiful on the inside and out, is thoughtful and kind, and amazes me every day. She is more mature and wise than I was at her age. I am so grateful to be able to see so many wonderful attributes in my young adult.

But what goes on in the heart and mind of the parent of a young adult is worth examining.

I might not represent all parents of young adults in my thinking, but maybe one or two of you can relate. You see, many young adults have gained much insight in their teenage years and there is a strong confidence permeating the space between them and their parents. As parents, we have the experience to know that we are correct 98% of the time but that it is not worth the argument.

But here's where the dilemma lies: Do we keep our mouths shut as our children make decisions that could be completely life-altering? This is the time when their college and career decisions, and possible life-partner decisions start to surface. I mean, BIG choices that could change the trajectory of their lives! And we subtlely share our opinions, or yell at them with ultimatums, or we try to nag them or guilt them into making the best decision for their lives. Why? Because we have lived it! We have made the poor decisions and lived with the consequences. We have acted rashly and lived with regrets. We have years of experience that push us to want to influence our young adults away from the difficult walks of life and towards the easier path.

I've chatted with parents who have confirmed that THIS stage of life is the hardest. (My apologies to any of you reading this who are just starting in on this role of parenting. I promise it is not all bad and is very rewarding but that is not what today's mind wanderings are about.) It is difficult for our hearts. We wake up at night thinking through all the worst-case scenarios. We doubt ourselves and wonder if we were just terrible parents the first 17 years of our kid's life. We are trying to run the household, manage our hormones (well, the moms are, anyway), trying not to notice the signs of aging all the while knowing that our children are causing most of those signs of aging (sorry, kiddos, that's just the truth). And worst of all, our pride wants us to make sure that our children don't make stupid decisions that reflect poorly on us because then everyone will KNOW we failed at parenting!

And then we have to make a decision: do we try to hold on tight? Do we try to control it all? Do we push them in our direction because we are trying to get them to avoid heartache? Do we create a chasm in our relationship with them because we so badly want them to go in the direction that we know is best and will try every technique to make them go our way?

Or do we slowly open up our hands and allow their wings to flutter? (SO HARD TO DO!) We give them freedom with some warning, allowing them the consequences or rewards of their choices. We try to trust our parenting and hope that all that we poured into their hearts and souls will come to the surface as they make their big life decisions. And ultimately, we release them into the hands of God who had a purpose already designed for their life before they were conceived.

We cannot help them avoid 100% of all heartache. And if we do, we are doing them a disservice as parents. What I've realized is that I'd rather they go through some of their struggles while they are still under our roof. Then we can pick them up and wipe the dirt off their fannies and point them in the right direction. We can help them learn healthy ways of dealing with the tough things in life because those things are going to happen whether we are there or not! We might as well help them prepare to navigate the rocky roads while they are still with us. And if we destroy our relationship with them because we have been so hardheaded or stubborn, then they will never turn to us for help or guidance. Plus, those struggles are what grow our children into adults. Character is developed through struggle. "...but we also struggle in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." Romans 5:3-4.

When my daughter graduated from high school, I had the opportunity to say a few words. As I prepared for graduation night I realized that my mindset of "everything will get easier after she turns 18" was completely and utterly wrong. I remember telling the audience that no matter what age your children are, you never, ever, ever stop being a parent. You never stop worrying about how your children are doing.

Folks, we've got a long road ahead of us...

PS: When our children were really young, I belonged to a group of local moms who got together for playdates so that we could commiserate and support one another. Anyone interested in a PoYA group?